


a hard lesson learned

by fifteen_half



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Comfort, Gen, Light Angst, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-11
Updated: 2019-09-11
Packaged: 2020-10-14 16:22:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20603744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fifteen_half/pseuds/fifteen_half
Summary: Jisung was old enough by now to understand that love was a choice. Jaemin had chosen over and over and over again to love Jisung because somehow his hyung found something in Jisung he could love. But Jisung just kept on taking and taking and taking, making Jaemin chase after him because it was fun, because he could, because he was safe in the fact that Jaemin would love him, would continue to, would never stop.But what if Jaemin found there wasn’t anything to love left?





	a hard lesson learned

**Author's Note:**

> to naimi, thank you for letting me bounce my ideas off of you~ <333

Jisung started to notice something wrong when Jaemin said nothing even after seeing Jisung eating on his bed despite the elder’s numerous requests to NOT do it. Instead of pulling Jisung away from his bed, loudly protesting as per usual, Jaemin simply and calmly made him scoot over and to, “Clean up the crumbs okay, Jisung ah? We don’t want ants to invade our room.”

And that was that.

The elder boy rolled on his side, his back facing Jisung, and proceeded to sleep.

Jisung couldn’t do anything but stare.

A few nights later, the previous incident chalked up to his hyung being extra tired that night, Jisung had woken up and decided he wanted food. And so as his usual response to the grumbling of his stomach, he climbed down from his bed, nudged Jaemin awake and told him how absolutely hungry he was.

His hyung whined for a while, complaining about his interrupted sleep, but he chuckled fondly at Jisung, ruffled his hair before getting up from his bed. Elated at the prospect of getting to eat, Jisung brightened up, already anticipating his hyung’s cooking.

Except instead of picking up a pot, Jaemin picked up the phone instead.

Jisung’s level of excitement dropped at the sight.

It wasn’t as if delivery food wasn’t great. But his hyung’s home cooked meal will always, always be better. Because not only can Jaemin make food to his particular taste, watching his hyung cook has always been something Jisung enjoyed doing because it reminded him of family, of home.

And it wasn’t as if they’ve never had food delivered— but that had been for all of them. This was the first time Jaemin had ordered delivery food for Jisung. And yes, Jaemin had refused Jisung’s request for food from time to time, but that had only been because his requests had been so ridiculous that it was basically impossible to cook (e.g., a baguette, at 3AM). 

But Jisung had only asked for egg fried rice tonight.

And their fridge was also freshly stocked just recently. And yet…

Jisung couldn’t help but start to wrack his brain about anything he might have done to make his hyung angry. By the time he had gone back to bed again, stomach fully satisfied but his mind in complete turmoil, he had half convinced himself that Jaemin hated him— but if he did, then why did his hyung wait up with him until the food arrived, why did Jaemin pay for the food himself even though the elder boy didn’t order anything to eat, why did he wait for Jisung to finish and even helped him clean up?

It was enough to drive Jisung mad.

Days pass after that and thoughts of Jaemin possibly hating him constantly plagued Jisung’s mind. Chenle had noticed that he was off almost immediately and had immediately reminded him that he had a tendency to overthink.

Perhaps he really was overthinking his hyung’s actions.

As a man who respected science, Jisung decided to conduct little tests, to see if Jaemin really did hold feelings of hatred for him.

Baby talk, check.  
Cheek squishing, check.  
Random back hugs, check.  
Dishing out pieces of meat before he even asked when they ate out, check.  
Listening to him intently even when he rambled when he got too excited, check.  
Pushing him to speak up, to share his thoughts, check.  
Making sure he felt safe and comfortable whenever, wherever, that he could depend on his hyung for everything and anything, check and check.

In summary, Jaemin passed with flying colors.

Were the two previous incidents an outlier after all?

Considering the data he’d accumulated, it was more than likely.

They’re guests at another radio show now and as his final test, when he was asked who his favorite hyung was, Jisung answered,

“No one. They’re all equal. I like them all equally.”

This was a question they’ve been getting quite frequently now, the show’s researchers probably aiming to get their usual comedic reactions to Jisung’s answer. And while the rest of the members reacted accordingly, that is, they’re all grumbling about his choice, Jaemin…

Jaemin was just smiling.

That. 

That was very, very troubling.

The final nail in the coffin happened that same night.

Exhausted not just from the day’s activities but also from  _ worryingworryingworrying _ about Jaemin possibly hating him, Jisung had immediately fallen asleep. It was no wonder that he woke up in the middle of the night craving for food.

Jisung was about to climb down to beg Jaemin to cook for him when thoughts of the past days came rushing back to him. He froze, weighing the pros and cons.

Eventually his stomach won over. This time though, he decided he’d just make ramen so that he won’t need to bother his hyung.

He carefully, quietly maneuvered himself to get down but his efforts were for nothing after all because the elder boy wasn’t sleeping. Jaemin wasn’t even in the room.

Did… Did Jaemin hate him so much that he couldn’t bear to be in the same room as him anymore?

Thoughts like this came unbidden to his mind. Jisung was nearly in tears from the hurt and the feeling of loss when he heard Jaemin’s indignant ranting followed by Chenle’s loud laughter outside.

Curious, Jisung quietly came out of the room and peered into the kitchen where the two were.

What Jisung saw made him instantly feel cold.

Jaemin was cooking.

They were all tired that day with a full schedule and yet he was cooking. He was cooking for Chenle. Chenle, who knew how to cook, who preferred Kun’s cooking over Jaemin and always made sure Jaemin knew. He doesn’t even like Jaemin’s cooking that much!! Not like him! Jisung loved the food Jaemin makes.

So why… why did Jaemin not cook for him back then?

Had his worst fear had come true?

His hunger forgotten, Jisung quietly returned to his room in utter despair.

They’re really busy the next few days but the thought of the hyung he’s closest to, the hyung who had looked after him since their rookie days, the hyung who had always declared Jisung was his favorite, who had said he loved Jisung the most… the thought of this hyung hating him was always present in Jisung’s mind.

Jisung immersed himself in work, preferring to keep himself busy and occupied rather than face reality. He thought that if he ignored it, if he pushed it as far back in his mind as he could, he’d be able to make the loss feel less. On the other hand, Jaemin looked like he was okay with it— in fact, Jaemin didn’t act that much differently at all. Jisung was amazed how his hyung could contain all that dislike for Jisung because Jisung could barely contain his despair.

What could he do to get his hyung’s forgiveness? What should he change so that he could regain Jaemin’s affections?

But then again, what did Jisung  _ do  _ that made Jaemin hate him? Jisung knew he had a lot of traits that made Jaemin frustrated but what was it that tipped his hyung over the edge? If only Jisung knew then he could apologize and change!

Jaemin was his rock, his support, the one constant he could always rely on. He couldn’t lose Jaemin. He just couldn’t.

It was entirely selfish on his part but…

Oh. Had he been selfish all this time? Had he taken advantage of Jaemin’s kindness? Did he somehow force Jaemin into looking out for him? Maybe Jaemin never even liked him in the first place? Maybe he’d only liked him out of pity? He’d been so painfully shy back then, could hardly speak when spoken to, couldn’t bear to be in the same room as the others ‘cause he’d been so afraid. Jisung had been prepared to be alone, he’d always been alone, but then Jaemin kept on smiling at him, genuinely so, kept on inviting him and making him feel welcomed and wanted and loved and Jisung needed that, grabbed on to that and never let go.

All this time Jisung had received so much love from Jaemin. But what had Jaemin received in return?

Jisung was old enough by now to understand that love was a choice. Jaemin had chosen over and over and over again to love Jisung because somehow his hyung found something in Jisung he could love.

But what if there wasn’t anything to love left?

Jisung just kept on taking and taking and taking, making Jaemin chase after him because it was fun, because he could, because he was safe in the fact that Jaemin would love him, would continue to, would never stop. But that was wrong, wasn’t it? Things change. People change. Choices change.

Jaemin had chosen Jisung over and over and over again. But not once had Jisung ever chosen Jaemin.

_ A simple ‘thank you’ for a meal cooked just for him? He’s too shy, too awkward to say the words sincerely. But Jaemin understands, right? He always does. So he keeps his pride and makes his ‘thank you’ sound like a joke. _

_ He’s tired and lazy after a full day’s work. Jaemin’s still taking a shower and would probably take a while. He’s lost count the number of times Jaemin has told him not to sleep on his bed, not to eat on his bed, but Jaemin understands, right? He always does. So he prioritizes his own wants and stays on his hyung’s bed and when Jaemin comes and scolds him he thinks it’s funny and so he ignores the words, ignores his hyung’s tired eyes, ignores Jaemin’s needs because Jaemin loves him, he loves him, love is supposed to be unconditional so it’s okay, right? It’s okay. _

It wasn’t okay.

Jisung knew the question was going to be asked. It was a live radio broadcast and a script was always given to avoid unnecessary issues or drama.

Jisung knew it was going to be asked. He was prepared for it. He’d practiced the words in his head over and over and over again to make sure the words were right, that Jaemin would understand, would feel how much he meant to him. This was his chance, his moment of redemption, the first step to gaining back his hyung’s love. So when the host asked him who his favorite hyung was, Jisung was fully prepared to say with all his mind, heart and soul that it was—,

“It’s everyone, right?” Donghyuck snarked, so very untimely, “We should just skip this question and go straight to the next.”

Everyone laughed. Everyone except Jisung.

Jisung was floundering, panicking, “Wait, wait! Listen—,”

“Jaemin sshi, I’ve heard how much you love the maknae,” the host cheerily asked, wanting to get more laughs, completely unknowing of Jisung’s dilemma, of the lost affection he was trying to rekindle, “How does this make you feel?”

With bated breath Jisung was expecting Jaemin to laugh it off, to be petty and say something like he’d changed his mind, that Jisung wasn’t his favorite anymore it was Chenle. Maybe he’d even jokingly admit that he disliked Jisung, that he’d only been pretending all this time because Jisung was so weak and pitiful and—

But he didn’t.

Jaemin just smiled as he replied, “Honestly? I don’t really care anymore. I’m already used to it. I've given up on Jisung anyway.”

Jisung’s breath hitched and his heart shattered.

Hatred, anger, bitterness, disappointment— these were things he could do something about. He could ask for forgiveness, he could change, they could talk about it and he could promise to strive to be better.

But indifference?

Even if he asked for forgiveness, even if he begged and pleaded and changed— all of that would mean nothing.

Because indifference meant that Jisung meant nothing to Jaemin.

Throughout the rest of the radio show Jisung tried to appear like nothing was wrong. No one mentioned anything so he was a little proud that he’d managed to keep his troubling thoughts to himself. When the show ended and after they’d said their goodbyes, Jisung was nearly vibrating with the need to just go home, to sleep, to try and numb himself from the loss... and maybe, find another way to bring his hyung back.

As the members all joked around, their moods light, Jisung hung back but kept a small smile on his face. His members were close and they all felt each others’ moods like it was their own, but the smile on his face was enough stave off their worry. Jisung didn’t want anyone to notice, because right now, he didn’t exactly know how to express how he felt.

When they parted ways with Donghyuck, Jisung climbed into their van first, choosing the seat at the back, near the window. The mood was a lot calmer now, all of them tired from the day’s work. So he put on his airpods on and felt it was safe to ignore the others.

The thought that he didn’t tear up, not even once, brought a small smile on his face. But then someone placed their arms around Jisung and when Jisung turned to look, a request to leave him alone at his lips, he was met with a worried Jaemin, asking him quietly if everything was okay.

It was unfair. Here was the person who he thought hated him, who he thought he lost, with his warm, warm arms around Jisung, looking at him in worry, as if he was cared for, loved.

Jisung couldn’t help it, he sobbed. Big, fat tears cascading down his cheeks. His chest heaving from too much emotion. He held on to his hyung, clung to him as tight as he could, hid his face at the crook of the elder’s neck as he cried and cried and cried.

When Jaemin tightened his hold even more, when he started to whisper words of comfort, of love, Jisung cried even more.

Vaguely, he could hear the others’ worried, panicked voices but he was too overwhelmed with emotion to take notice. He just kept on clinging to Jaemin, wondering if this was the last time he’d ever be held by his hyung, the last time he’d worry about Jisung, the last time Jisung would feel loved.

Awareness came gradually to Jisung.

First, it was that he was in his room. Next, that he wasn’t lying on his bed but on Jaemin’s. And, that Jaemin himself was sitting on the floor, his arms on the bed with his head pillowed on top, sleeping.

Like he was watching over Jisung. Like he wanted to be there when Jisung woke up. Like Jisung mattered to him.

His hyung must be so uncomfortable sleeping like that and yet… Why did he do that?

Jisung debated with himself for a while, wondering if he should wake up his hyung or to feign sleeping. Because if he woke Jaemin up, they’d have to talk, right? Jaemin would ask why he cried. And Jisung… Jisung wasn’t prepared to face the truth. If he feigned sleep, his hyung could wake up on his own and move somewhere more comfortable to sleep. But then, Jaemin was stubborn and wasn’t easily swayed by others if it’s something he wanted. He’d probably still sleep in the same position and sleeping like this couldn’t be good for his back…

Damn it. He’d already decided to stop being selfish so—

“Hyung,” he whispered, surprised at how hoarse his voice was, “Hyung, wake up.”

Jaemin groaned, and then with a start he sat up straight, looked at Jisung worriedly and sighed. There was a small, tremulous smile on his face when he softly said, “Jisung ah, hi.”

Jisung couldn’t help but smile in return, “Hi, hyung. I’m gonna go back to my bed so you could—,”

Jaemin snorted, rolled his eyes and gestured for Jisung to scoot over.

Making room for Jaemin, Jisung asked, “Hyung, are you sure?”

His question made Jaemin pause. Looking unsure, Jaemin asked in return, “Does it… make you uncomfortable? Sorry, then I’ll just—,”

“Wait, hyung! I didn’t say that!” Jisung quickly replied, grabbing on to his hyung’s wrist to prevent him from leaving, “I didn’t say that. It’s not uncomfortable. Not at all. I—,” he paused, hesitating, embarrassed, “It’s nice.”

Taking a deep breath, Jisung looked straight at his hyung as he said, “It’s really, really, really comforting, hyung. I really like your hugs.”

The surprise on Jaemin’s face, as if he couldn’t believe Jisung was real, as if this was the first time Jisung has ever said something sincere to him, was nearly enough to make Jisung tear up. Had he been so terrible all this time, that Jaemin wasn’t used to hearing such things from him?

He must have looked like he was about to cry because Jaemin was suddenly beside him, telling him it was okay, that he’ll help, they all will.

“Because we all love you, Jisungie,” Jaemin whispered.

“...do you?” Jisung whispered back, “Do you really?”

Jaemin frowned, confused, because, “Of course we do. Do you think we don’t?”

Jisung shook his head, “I’m not asking about everyone, hyung. I’m asking about you. Do you? Do you really?”

When Jaemin didn’t respond right away, Jisung sat up, his eyes locked on his hyung’s, “You don’t, right? Or you stopped. You gave up on me.”

Recognizing the words he said on the show that night, Jaemin’s eyes widened. He was about to explain, but Jisung didn’t wait for him to, “But it’s not hyung’s fault. It’s mine. It’s mine, right? Because hyung’s been giving and giving and giving all this time and all I’ve done to repay that was to be snarky at you. I made you think I didn’t want your affection ‘cause I keep on rejecting it. Whenever I asked hyung to cook for me, I know, I  _ know  _ all you wanted back was for me to tell you how good the food was, and it’s good hyung, all you make is so, so, so good, but I never said it ‘cause I was so embarrassed to. I put my pride over you-- over and over and over again. And now… now you’re tired of me, right hyung? I made you tired of me. You gave me so much of your time and your love and you didn’t even want much in return, just a few words right? But I couldn’t give it, couldn’t say how much I loved you back because I was too prideful, too confident that you just  _ know _ . But how could you know,” he sniffed, the tears coming back, “If I never told you?”

Biting his lips to keep himself from crying harder, Jisung rested his forehead on Jaemin’s shoulder.

“I love you so much, hyung,” he cried, his voice soft, tremulous, “And I’m so, so sorry I never made you feel that.”

Jaemin didn’t say anything for a while. But then Jisung felt his hyung sigh.

Jisung felt his hyung’s hand rest on top of his head, and with a fond chuckle, Jaemin ruffled his hair, “Thank you… for telling me, Jisung ah. I… I  _ was  _ growing tried— rejection hurts, you know? But I could never hate you. You’re my teammate, my brother, my best friend all in one and yeah, you’re such a handful. But I’d never, could never hate you.”

All this time Jisung was trying to hard to keep his tears in, and he’d stop crying at some point, he promised to stop crying after all, but after what Jaemin said, how could he not cry? His worries, his fears, his doubts, the loss, the pain… all of that vanished. Hope bloomed in his chest now that he was given another chance. 

This was a lesson hard learned. And he wasn’t going to waste it.

It wasn’t long before the rest of the members noticed that there was something different with Jisung.

“What’s up with you?” Chenle asked, his eyes narrowed in suspicion, “You want something from me, don’t you?”

Jisung just grinned, “I’m just really thankful I met you, that’s all. You’re a great friend, Chenle. And I’m so very glad we got to debut together.”

“Oh my god, what’s wrong with you? Jaemin hyung!” the Chinese boy yelled, “What’ve you done to Jisung?!”

Jisung looked at Jaemin just as Jaemin looked their way.

Both of them smiled.


End file.
